Breathe
by Sinclair
Summary: About Serena and Darien. It's pretty angsty and a little on the dark side. It's not the kinda of story that'll give you that warm hapy feeling, so read at your own risk ^-^
1. Chapter 01

**"Breathe"**

**Chapter One**

**By Sinclair**

Standard Disclaimers Apply 

Save -- 

Save me from this

Wandered round the town, all the thousand things I might miss

And you --

Think we'll suffer much?

Think we'll close our eyes, just to see the light pass us by?

With tomorrow coming, hope that I don't let you down again,

Said I'm so glad to be here, does it mean a thing?

So sit --

We'll take our time,

Watching the flowers grow, all the friends we've known say goodbye.

And you?

Did you suffer much?

Did you close your eyes, just to see the night pass rush on by?

Gathered all around you, hope that we don't let you down again,

Said I'm so glad to be here, but does it mean a thing?

If only I could breathe what you breathe,

If only I could see what you see,

If only I could just believe a thing.

            --"Breathe" Moist

            He was definitely in one of his moods that day, she thought to herself, tears creeping into her eyes as she stared at him from the doorway.  He stood by the large windows overlooking the sparkling expansive ocean and the setting sun.  His black hair shone brilliantly in the dying sun, his back turned to her, his hands tightly fisted in his pockets.  She wished she could see his dark somber blue eyes, so she could see what he was feeling.  But then again she could easily guess what he was thinking at the moment, she thought to herself, a pang suddenly gripping her heart.  He was thinking of _her.  He always thought of her, but today especially because today was the anniversary of the day that he had lost her.   She could tell that he was eyeing the lake's waters with contempt, with sadness.  When he was like this, he wasn't himself, and it was best to leave him alone. _

            She held back a desperate sigh, and slowly left her husband alone before he could figure out that she had been watching him.  She knew that she had been lucky when Darien had fallen in love with her, as she took care of him in her days as a nurse.  She also knew that this marriage couldn't be real, not as long as he kept her memories around.  She had been a dark beauty, like Darien. They had been high school sweethearts, in love to the day she died.  From pictures that she was never meant to see, she knew that she had had long silky black hair, and big beautiful violet eyes.  She was in short beautiful, the perfect counterpart to her handsome husband.  As she walked into the kitchen to prepare dinner, she unconsciously touched her own golden locks.  She was the complete opposite of Raye, she thought to herself.  She was light all around, with her blond hair, and her sky blue eyes.  How could she ever compare to such a perfect woman? How could Darien have even ever wanted to marry her?  Tears began to fall from her eyes in little crystal drops, and she cut her finger with the knife that she had been using for the vegetables.  Immediately she cried out and put her finger in her mouth.  She couldn't take this oppressive silence hurried to the bathroom.

            "Serena?" she heard a voice call as she passed by the study.  "What's the matter?  You're crying?"  She looked up to see Darien's face looking into hers, concern and worry etched in his smooth features.  Her head instantly came down and instead she stared intently at the smooth varnished wooden floors.  

            "Oh, it's nothing. I was just chopping some onions, and then I cut my finger.  Silly me, as usual!" she said, trying to laugh at the same time.  Before he could say anything else, she continued hurriedly to the bathroom where she could get a band-aid.  

            Shutting the door behind her, she slumped against the tiles.  Safe from Darien's intense gaze, she allowed herself to sob quietly.  She didn't want him to know how she hurt; it would just make him feel worse, when he already felt so terribly.  

            "Serena?" Darien's voice sounded hesitant on the other side of the door.  "Are you sure you're alright?" Was that genuine worry?  She smiled through her tears.  No doubt he cared about her, she thought.  But then she frowned.  It's just that he loved _her more.  _

            "I'll be out in a minute, I- just can't find the band-aids, that's all," she called out the most cheerful voice she could muster.  "I'm sorry, dinner might be a little late.  Why don't you wait in the living room? Watch a little T.V. and I promise dinner will be ready really soon."  She could tell by the silence that he was hesitating, so she continued. "Really, Darien, I'll live -  it's just a little blood.  Nothing a little water won't wash off." She heard a sigh and then an affirmation as he walked off.  She then sighed, and hastily stood up to wash her face off, ridding the evidence of tears, and then taking care of her finger.  

            By the time she was in the kitchen, her cheerful mask was back on, and she was humming a little tune as she finished setting the table.  "Dinner's ready!" she called.

            They ate silently at first, until Serena could no longer stand it.  But as she made idle chatter, she noticed that Darien wasn't really listening, just nodding his head every now and then, lost in his own thoughts.  After a while, she gave up, knowing that she could not get _her out of his mind no matter what she did.  After she had finished she abruptly stood up._

            "I'm pretty tired, I think I am going to get ready for bed," she said.  "Just leave the dishes in the sink, I'll get to it tomorrow morning." He merely nodded, absently kissing her cheek and saying goodnight.

            She lay in the bed, her full stomach protesting, wondering about their strange marriage.  After all, this was a three-person relationship, she thought to herself, the tears pricking the back of her eyes, and a painful lump growing in her throat.  

            "Stop it!" she whispered aloud harshly to herself.  She needed to stop being so jealous, so insecure.  But then it was so hard not to be, when Darien was always thinking about his girlfriend, his fiancé.  Closing her eyes, she remembered how she had met Darien.

            She had worked at the hospital at that time, as a nurse.  During a late night shift, a man who had been in a boating accident had been brought in, yelling hysterically and incoherently.  She remembered how they had had to sedate him that night, so that he could sleep peacefully.  Curious, she had gone into his room, to check up on him.  Quietly she had closed the door behind her when suddenly his thick hoarse voice had filled the room.  

            "She's dead now.  I can feel it."  And with that, he had sobbed quietly into his hands.  She stood there stunned before she moved quickly to his side and cradled his head to her chest, speaking soothing comforting words to him until he finally slept exhausted from the day's events.   

             That's had been two years ago to this day.  She had found out later how that day he had gone out on a boating trip with his fiancé Raye; how suddenly a storm had overcome them, tossing the boat and it's occupants over.  He had tried to save her, but he lost sight of her before he himself passed out from swallowing too much of the water.  Later that night someone had found him lying unconscious on the shore and had taken him to the hospital.  Despite all his efforts, he could not find any news of his beloved fiancé.  No hospital near the scene reported a patient that fit that description for months afterward.  At first he had been despondent with grief, but slowly Serena had gotten him to join the world again.  She taught him how to laugh and enjoy life again.  One year after that ordeal, he had asked that she marry him, and they had gotten married shortly after in a small little church.  Even then, she had wondered to herself if perhaps he had just married her because she had been the first person there after his loss.  Oh, there was no doubt that he cared for her, because he treated her not only with the utmost respect, but also with special tenderness. But a man could treat his little pet dog in the same way.  

            Shortly after the marriage, she had quit her job as a nurse to stay home and become a housewife; she did not mind in the least because she loved to take care of the man she loved. When he had recovered physically from the accident, he had gone back to work at the small computer company that he had founded.  They lived in relative peace together, both content.  But then there were times he would get into one of those moods. She had no doubt whatsoever that he was thinking of the girl that he had planned to marry.  She knew, because she caught him one time looking at an old picture of the two of them together, tenderly touching his fingers to the beautiful pale face that smiled at him.  She remembered how she had crept away silently after that to cry in peace.  She never let on that she knew what he was doing.  

            So she always kept a cheerful look on her face, trying to keep the marriage stable, trying to forget that there was always another person, sharing the attention of her husband.  There were times, when she felt the bitterness choking her, the injustice filling her blood; but those times were always fleeting.  She was never a malicious jealous thing.  Everyone always expounded how kind and selfless and loving she was.  Instead, she would think of her husband, and how rough the loss of a loved one was on him.  She would do her best to make his life better for him.  There was no doubt that she loved the man with all her heart and soul, and that she would do anything for him, even if she got hurt in the process.

            She lay there, thinking, trying not to cry as she lay there in the dark, when she heard the door opening.  She snuck a glance at the clock by her bed and realized that she had been thinking for over two hours.   She kept her breathing normal and she heard Darien getting ready for bed before slipping into the covers beside her.  In a matter of seconds she heard his breathing level out, indicating that he had fallen asleep.  

            She turned over to him and gazed at his sleeping features.  Tenderly she reached out to run a hand through his hair.  Then she touched his cheek and pressed her lips to his lovingly.  

            "I wish you were mine, Darien," she whispered to him, and buried herself in his chest and tried to fall asleep.  


	2. Chapter 02

**"Breathe"**

**Chapter Two**

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

            The next morning, Serena greeted Darien cheerfully as she scampered about the kitchen in a frilly little apron over her pajamas.  "I hope you're hungry! I made a lot of food today.  Since it's such a nice day out today, I thought we'd have breakfast out on the terrace." She smiled sweetly at Darien and kissed his cheek in a morning greeting. 

            Darien absently stared out the window then turned to her.  "Actually, I thought I would go to work early today.  There's a lot I have to catch up on," he said to her.  He turned around to head for the door, missing the look or hurt and disappointment on Serena's face.  

            "I'll be home as usual.  Maybe we'll go out to dinner tonight," he added as he finally noticed the look on her face.  "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'll make this up to you." With that he was out the door before she could even respond.  

            She hurled the bowl of grapefruit against the wall.

            She spent the entire day, sitting at the water's edge, staring out at the cool hypnotizing waves as they splashed against the white sand.  No one could tell how puffy her eyes really were underneath the dark glasses she wore.  She sighed, no longer able to cry anymore.  She knew that she was being ridiculous and she felt ashamed.  _She was married to the man now, not Raye.  It was really her fault, she thought to herself.  It was she that kept Raye in the relationship.  Why was she obsessing over a dead woman?  She smiled wryly to herself trying to convince herself that she probably thought more about Raye then Darien did himself, though she had caught Darien a countless number of times in his study with the picture in one hand and a glass of wine in the other.  She knew that somehow she would have to let go of these selfish thoughts; that she had to stop being so insecure.  Instead of acting like this, she should be comforting Darien.  Yes, although it hurt her to admit it, he was still grieving.  That was obvious.  So she had to drop her childishness and be there for him.  Help him with his grief.  Standing up with renewed energy and determination, she made her way back into the house to prepare for their night on the town. _

            When Darien came home that evening, Serena was already waiting and ready to go.  And so she fidgeted, tidying things up in the spotless home, not having anything else to do, when there was a knock at the door.  Not expecting anyone, she wondered who would possibly be visiting at this hour.  As soon as she opened the door, all coherent thought left her as her mouth dropped open.  Was this the extent to which she had lost her sanity?  She would have slammed the door in fright, and ran to find Darien to see if she was dreaming, but suddenly she heard a sharp intake of breath behind her.  

            "Raye…" Darien whispered. 

            Standing in the doorway, Raye was the first to speak.  "Darien," she choked out, tears falling down her cheeks.  "My god, I-I," she struggled with the words, stopping when her emotions were too overwhelming.  Darien immediately brushed passed Serena and pulled her into a tight embrace, as if afraid that she were an apparition.  She had been led by Darien into the living room where they now all sat in relative silence, all of them in shock.  Serena felt awkward as she sat there, not really part of the homecoming or reunion or whatever this was.  She was just the passive listener, watching a scene that she felt that she could not be a part of.  Darien and Raye stared at each other for a long while before Darien had finally broken the silence. 

            "My god, Raye," he spoke softly, lightly touching her hair, awed that she could be real. "It's really you.  I-I thought that-that you had died," Darien's voice broke out, and the tears began to pour down unchecked down his cheeks.  Serena wanted desperately to take him in her arms and wipe them away, but she felt that it was no longer her place.  "How?" he finally was able to choke out.

            "I don't know," she whispered.  She too had tears streaming down her cheeks, her lips trembling as she tried to control her emotions.  "I just woke up one day, in this strange house.  The people there, this elderly couple Molly and Melvin, they took me in, they said that I was in an accident in the ocean.  God, Darien! I was so lost, I couldn't remember a thing!" she cried out throwing herself into his arms.  His arms instantly went around her, trying to comfort her.  Serena watched all this, her own tears forming.  They were so perfect together, she thought, the love that emanated from them was so real and pure.  She never felt anything like that come from him for her.  She felt so broken and out of place that she quietly slipped out, leaving the two privacy.  She didn't belong there.  

            Darien vaguely noticed that Serena had left, and felt affection for her.  She understood him, that he needed to be alone with Raye. He turned his attention back to his fiancé.  "What happened?" he whispered urgently, wanting her to continue, wanting to know all that she had gone through, to feel the pain that she had gone through. 

            "I tried so hard to remember.  I knew that there was something that I needed to do.  I stayed with them for almost all of the past two years.  God, everyday living, knowing that there was something missing from my life!  It was terrible!  Finally, one day, we went out for a picnic, on the shore, and suddenly I remembered. I saw the place where our boat had capsized, and I remembered you, and…" she trailed off, now sobbing loudly and uncontrollably.

            "Shh- it's okay now.  I'm here."

            "When I realized it, I spent everyday trying to find out where you had gone.  For the past few months, that's all I did.  Molly and Melvin helped me, and they took care of me.  I then learned that you lived here-that you had married," she stopped her tears falling in earnest and she gripped Darien tighter.  "I didn't come to break your marriage.  I just had to see you.  I went through so much, and I just had to see you!  I know that you are married now, but it's okay, I understand," she said, her voice cracked and broken.

            "No! You don't understand, Raye! After that day, I spent every moment searching for you! I checked all the hospitals, and there was no news of you! The police, they couldn't help me, they said that they couldn't even find your body," Darien said, not even bothering to control the tremor in his voice.  "My god! If only I had known I would have searched every single house and apartment around the shores!"  Darien pulled back and cupped her chin, looking her straight in her eyes. "You must believe me when I say, that there has never passed a day that I have never thought of you.  I never stopped loving you, never!" He pulled her tightly to him again.  "I don't want to lose you again!"

            They sobbed together, their tears and pain mingling together.  Serena too cried at the top of the stairs where she had been listening and slowly walked the rest of the way back to the room.  

            Darien hadn't come to bed that night, Serena thought to herself in despair, as she lay awake, the morning sun slowly making its way into the room.  It was for the best either way, since she had not been able to sleep a wink, tossing and turning.  She showered and dressed and cautiously made her way downstairs.  She noticed that Darien had slept on the couch, but she wondered where Raye had slept.  Carefully, she approached him, not wanting to disturb him in his sleep, especially after such an emotionally charged night.  She knelt by his head, and tenderly touched his cheek with her finger.  He was never mine, she thought as tears came into her eyes, so then why does it hurt to have to let go?  Through the haze, she did not see that Darien was slowly opening his eyes, startled to see her hovering before him. 

            "Serena?" he whispered hoarsely.  Suddenly she jerked upwards, standing and hastily wiping her face.  He had never caught her like this before.  He stood up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders.  

            Desperately trying to gain control, she slightly pulled away from him and headed towards the kitchen.  "Uh, I should probably fix us all something to eat.  I'm sure you're all starved.  It's been pretty hectic, don't ya think?" She never turned around but instead continued walking. 

            By the time she reached the kitchen, she was in control again. You have no right to grieve, she told herself viciously, as she prepared a quick meal.  But then, why was she hurting so much? The ache in her heart was too much, that she would rather have died then feel it.  Fool, she told herself, that is exactly what they feel as well, but for good reason!  She sighed; she couldn't be selfish like this.  Not when two lovers had gone through so much pain.  She should be happy that they could now be together. And now, she thought to herself, now she had no part to play.  How could she force Darien to stay in this marriage, when he himself had said that he had never stopped loving Raye!  It wasn't right that they stay married, not when he belonged to another.  She choked back a sob, trying to regain her self-composure. 

            The meal was placed on a large tray, and she carried it with surprisingly steady hands towards the living room.  Noticing that it was empty, she heard sounds coming from the study.  Carefully she made her way, trying to brace herself from seeing the two together.  Just as she reached the door and was about to knock, she heard snatches of the conversation.  She knew that she shouldn't listen, but her feet betrayed her, and she was rooted to the spot, tightening the noose around her own neck. 

            "I love you," she heard Darien say to Raye.  And Raye responded with the same words.  

            "Darien," Serena whispered softly so that no one could hear.  "I love you, too, forever and ever."  As silently as possible she put the tray by the door and walked quietly to her room.


	3. Chapter 03

**"Breathe"**

**Chapter Three **

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

           Darien had spent the entire night talking with Raye, talking of the past and talking also of the future.  She had then fallen asleep and he had carried her to the couch in the study, where she would be warmer.  He himself had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room, but not after he had lain awake thinking about the situation.  There was no doubt about it, he wanted to be with Raye, his first and only real love.  But then, when he had seen Serena kneeling in front of him, her beautiful blue eyes filling with tears, his heart had ached.  He had wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, as she had always done for him.  But then he had come to his senses.  He could not love two women at once.  He had to make a choice either way, and someone was bound to get hurt.  Raye was always on his mind.  And he had to admit, that the year he had been married to Serena, he had never forgotten her, the dark silky hair, her beautiful violet eyes; he thought about her everyday; he loved her. He always felt so guilty, like a real bastard, doing this to Serena.  But luckily, Serena never seemed to know that he felt this way.  She had always been so bright and chipper, oblivious to his secret thoughts. But he didn't want to hurt his loving, kind, and patient Serena.  After all, she had done so much for him.  He racked his brain all night, trying to figure out how to tell her-that he wanted to be with Raye.  Yes, he was a real bastard, alright, he thought grimly. 

            After watching Serena walk into the kitchen, chattering cheerfully as usual, he himself headed towards the study where he found Raye staring out into the ocean, her eyes filled with pain.  His eyes darkened as he too stared out into the calm and peaceful water.  When he had seen the house for the first time, he had wanted it for some reason, despite the fact that it was situated right on the shore.  Even though the sight of the ocean would bring him such pain, he felt that it was the only way that he could be with the one that those same waters had taken away.  

            He came up behind her, wrapping his arms protectively around her.  

            "I will never let something like that happen again.  I love you, and I want to be with you forever," he whispered with fierce determination.  Raye turned in his arms to smile up at him, happiness lighting up her face.  

            "But what about your wife," she said, her smile dying.

            "No, listen to me.  I love you," he said, meaning every word with his very soul.

            "And I love you," she whispered, as their faced drew closer, both melting into the sweet kiss and the warm embrace.  

            After a moment, they both stepped out of the study.  Darien noticed the tray beside the door, and felt his heart swell for the woman that he had married.  Serena had always been so thoughtful, he thought. But now would come the hard part.  

            "You'll wait down here for me, won't you?" he asked her, his eyes silently pleading. She nodded and squeezed his hand, and then watched him climb the stairs slowly. 

            She was lying in the middle of the bed, curled up, hugging herself.  Not long after she had come into the room, she had finally stopped crying.  She didn't want to be weak.  She needed to be strong, so that she would be able to do the right thing.  And she had realized, with an aching in her heart, that the right thing to do would be to divorce Darien, and to let him go so that he could be happy.  She told herself, that his happiness would be her happiness. 

            She didn't hear the door open as Darien slowly walked over to her.  It was only when he stood directly in front of her that she immediately sat up.  

            "Darien!" she said, trying to sound normal and cheerful.  

            "Serena," he began, as though he hadn't heard her.  "We need to talk." His tone was so final, she thought, cringing inwardly.

            "Yes, Darien, I agree.  I think," she swallowing nervously, her throat suddenly dry, "I think that we should get a divorce." There, she had said it.  She had the urge to cry, to beg him, but she stood firm. She had to be strong, for his sake, for her sake. 

            Darien was shocked.  Of course, did he doubt her at all?  His heart swelled with gratefulness and warmth for the girl in front of him, and he smiled.  She always understood how he felt, what he was always trying to say, and she understood the situation.  Here he had been a little weary of what might come of this talk, but he should have known better.  

            "I was going to say the same thing," he said, tears of happiness misting his eyes.  "You always did know what to do and say, Serena."  He wrapped her in his arms in a tight hug, holding her close and almost crying.  But he pulled away to look at her.  She had her head lowered, and he couldn't see her eyes.  "

            My god, she thought to herself.  Was he so blind that he never saw how she loved him?  Darien, she wanted to cry out, I'll never love anyone else because I already gave my heart to you!  She kept silent though, and merely nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

            He brought her up against him in a brief hug and kissed her forehead.  "You've been such a great friend to me.  You've helped me so much.  You know you'll always be welcome here."

            So she would be kicked out as well, then, she thought, tiredly.  She wondered if she could handle any more surprises.  She just didn't have any more fight within her.

            "I think I'll leave tonight," she said suddenly.  She got up and began to leave the room.  "Darien," she began, gazing at him wistfully, trying to memorize him, "I hope that you live a long happy life with her." She left quickly before the tears had a chance to fall.  

            The next day, Serena woke up on the familiar couch of a small apartment.  After packing her bags the night before, insisting that she was not leaving too hastily and that she did indeed have a place to go, she had found herself at a public telephone booth.  So she had lied to Darien.  It _was a hasty move because she really didn't have a place to go. But she couldn't stay there a minute longer. So she called up Lita and had asked if she could come over to spend the night.  Lita, though surprised, of course could not refuse her dearest and best friend.  _

            Rising from the springy couch, she quickly dressed and left before Lita; she didn't think she could face anyone right now, and Lita no doubt would have a lot of questions.  She walked down to the beach, and found a deserted mound of sand, where she pulled up her knees and sat down, hugging her legs to her chest.  With her chin on her knees, she stared out into the water.  This is the ocean that turned Darien's life upside down; turned hers upside down as well, she thought.  She watched the waves roll in and wondered how it would have been for Darien and Raye to have struggled against the awesome overwhelming power of those waves; to be breathing uselessly, helplessly in the water, lungs burning, suffocating in darkness.  The tears began to form again, as she thought of how she would gladly breathe what Darien had breathed in order to be with him again.  She allowed herself a few more minutes of self-pity, before pulling herself together.  There was no point in crying and crying over something like this, she told herself.  She did feel let down, but there was still a life to live after all, no matter how empty and useless it would be. 

            "Already I don't like life without Darien." She gazed one more time longingly at the ocean, a strange and sudden spark of some idea growing in her mind, before turning around and heading in no particular direction.


	4. Chapter 04

**"Breathe"**

**Chapter Four**

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

            "You're an idiot."  

            The smile froze on Darien's face as he looked up at the blond man in front of him in shock. Andrew actually looked angry with him, his normally blue twinkling eyes glaring back at him. He was obviously not pleased with the good news. 

            "What?" A confused Darien ran a nervous hand through his hair.  He cared a great deal about his best friend's opinion on everything.  They had grown up together after all; in fact, he had known Andrew longer than he had known Raye, since they were both little boys in kindergarten.  He had introduced the two, hoping that his best friend and girlfriend would also become friends, but the two never really got close.   "Isn't it a miracle? I mean I thought that Raye had died, but here she is, and we can finally be together."

            "God, Darien, do you think life some Disney movie, all neatly wrapped up and happily ever after?  Geez, seriously, you are an idiot," Andrew repeated as he roughly grabbed Darien's cup of coffee away from him, before he had even taken a sip, and began to wipe down the counter roughly.  There was no one else in the little café that Andrew owned and worked at, so the two were able to talk freely without any interruptions or breach of privacy.  

            Seeing the shocked and hurt look on Darien's face, Andrew sighed leaning over the counter.  "Look, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to lash out at you or anything.  I'm glad that Raye is alive and all.  I was about ready to close up shop and have a parade down the street when you told me.  But don't you see? That was before.  What about now? Now you want to throw away everything you have because someone from the past suddenly shows up?  What about Serena,  Darien?" he demanded.

            Darien stared at his friends, trying his best to keep his flailing emotions in check.  "What about Serena?" he began in a tight voice.  "What - you don't think she understands? Well let me tell you, she understands me a helluva lot more than you ever did obviously! You're supposed to be my best friend, Drew.  You're supposed to be happy for me," he finished quietly. 

            "Darien, come on. I'm just trying to help you.  Look, I want to be happy for you, I really do.  It's just that I don't think that you're looking at this properly." 

            Darien looked up angrily at that. "Oh, and I see that you obviously are?"

            "You're a mess, you know that?" Andrew said abruptly, standing up and throwing the rag onto the tabletop.  He knew how much Darien had loved Raye.  But he also he remembered that day when Darien had walked in a couple months after the accident, his eyes lit up and real happiness shining on his face; he had never seen Darien look that way, ever, not even with Raye. He found out later that her name was Serena.  When he met her, he was about ready to worship the ground that Serena walked on, because she had been able to do something that he couldn't do after Raye's death: make Darien live again. 

            "The thing is, the one person that was always there to pick up the pieces for you is going to be there anymore.  What are you going to do without her?  She was like your life-line."

            "What the hell are you talking about?!" Darien demanded.

            "How could you be so blind?" Andrew exploded, throwing his hands in the air.  "Serena loves you! I know for a fact that she'd die for you!"

            "Strange how you know so much about my wife, Andrew," Darien said coldly, raising his eyebrow, a little wary of his friend's outburst.

            "But she won't be your wife anymore, will she? I take it back, Darien. You aren't an idiot.  You're an asshole," Andrew said with a simplicity that only a good friend could pull off.

            Darien rose from his seat, his eyes like steel on his friend.  "I think you've said enough, Andrew.  It was obvious from the start that you didn't want me to be with Raye.   Maybe if you weren't so jealous of us, you'd be happy for us instead."

            "Wha - ?" Andrew started.  Suddenly his brows came together, eyes narrowing.  "Listen, Darien, it's obvious you aren't right in the head right now.  Is that Raye's doing? She always did bring out the worst in you.  I remember what it was like back then, but obviously you've conveniently forgotten about that."

            Suddenly Darien had Andrew by the lapels of his shirt.  "You better keep quiet, Andrew," he said slowly.

            "Why - because I hit on something close to the truth? God, Darien! Open your eyes!  Raye was never right for you.  Serena, on the other hand, she was always there for you, bringing you back to life when you wanted to die.  Doesn't that count for something? And now you want to hurt her like this!" he yelled ignoring how intimidating Darien could be.       

            Why was Darien so dense?  Couldn't he see that Serena really loved him? She was probably just stepping down without a fight, all for Darien's sake; she didn't give one iota about her own happiness.  Her sacrifice was wasted on him though, Andrew thought with sudden glumness. If only Darien could see how well Serena complimented him, how they each brought out the best in the other. Unfortunately Darien's fixation on Raye did not leave him well attuned to Serena's feelings.  It seemed useless though, to try and make him see this point. The guy was an idiot, short and sweet.  He should just let Darien go ahead and make the biggest mistake of his life.  He deserved it.  But at the same time, Andrew thought with a heavy sigh, he just couldn't do that to his best friend.  

            "Just listen to me," he began earnestly again. "You're living in some euphoria right now.  Hell, you've been living like that the past two years.  I think, that somewhere along the lines, you've put Raye on some golden pedestal, making her into this perfect thing that she never was. Now, I'm not a psychiatrist or anything, but I feel like maybe your doing this out of guilt, like you owe her for what she had to go through, but - "   

            "I said you better shut up, Andrew," Darien spoke quietly, his face darkening. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about. Raye and I were always meant to be together! It was fate!" 

            "And isn't it strange how fate took her away for a moment, to give you a chance to be with Serena?" Andrew shot back heatedly.  

            Darien looked at Andrew with shock and a long silence fell about them.  "You never liked Raye, did you?" he began quietly.  "Is that why you're making up all these lies?" he accused.  "Do you wish that she were still dead?!" he snapped, his eyes flashing violently.  

            Andrew didn't utter a single word as he stared at Darien, as though seeing him for the first time.  Finally he said in a subdued tone.  "What's happened Darien? You've already changed so much without her."

            Darien was stunned.  Suddenly he felt regret and remorse.  Had he really changed?  He would gladly have ignored Andrew's comments, but the fact was, he did feel something different. He felt confused and uneasy, so jumbled up inside, and he didn't like it one bit.  It scared him.

            "Listen, if that's all you have to say about this, then I'm leaving.  Obviously, I won't be expecting any well-wishes from you." He reached for his coat and began to walk towards the door.  Just as he pulled on the handle, he turned around. 

            "You said I was an asshole, Andrew, but you just don't get it.  She was a great friend.  She filled in that empty void when Raye was gone. You don't think I'm grateful? You just don't understand; but it doesn't matter, because she does.  She understands that I love Raye.  I'll see you later, Drew." He walked out, slamming the door shut behind him.

            Andrew had the greatest urge to punch his friend in the face when he spoke those last words.  Is that what he thought of that kind, beautiful girl?  Some sort of filler?  How could anyone be so blind not to notice everything she had done for that him?  And understand what? That he was the biggest bastard that ever graced the earth?            

            "If you never loved her, then why did you marry her, Darien?" he asked softly to no one before taking up the rag again and absently wiping down the spotless counter.  

            Darien strode down the street barely suppressing his anger. Why was Andrew making such a big deal out of this? He loved Raye, so he was divorcing Serena to marry her.  Was that so complicated? Didn't Andrew realize how much pain Darien had felt, those empty years without Raye? Why couldn't he just be happy for him?  

            He slowed down as his thoughts turned to Serena, the golden girl with the wide ready smile, and he cringed.  Okay, so there were complications.  A pang of guilt rushed through him as he thought of their sham marriage.  Wanting to kick himself in the rear, he admitted to himself that he had married her for fear of being alone. But he had been so scared sitting in that dark hospital room, day in and day out, with the strange smells of decay, and the creeping, maddening sounds of death.  He would have lost his mind, if not for Serena.  He smiled wistfully as he remember how she had first come to him, how she had suddenly filled his life with her laughter and smiles.  She had always been so gentle that he had to admit that he had sadly taken advantage of it.  But she had always known his true feelings; she knew what she was getting into, he told himself desperately.  And she understood - didn't she?  

            Lita glanced over at Serena, worry etched on her pretty features, her bright green eyes filled with concern, brown hair blowing in the ocean breeze.  They were both lounging in beach chairs under a big striped umbrella, the sun shining brightly in the clear blue sky, amidst the hubbub of the busy beach. She couldn't read Serena's face hidden beneath the dark glasses and the big floppy hat.  But she knew Serena since they were young, and she knew that Serena might never recover from this.

            Lita's heart swelled when she thought of the selfless girl sitting beside her.  She had been acting as cheerful as she had always been, masking her pain.  Almost at once, Serena had found an apartment near her, paying the first and last months rent with the money that she had saved up.  Future financial matters would not be a problem either, since the hospital was more than willing to take back their most dedicated and competent nurse.  And so, it was just like old times, when the two hung out together during the evenings and weekends, before Serena had met Darien.  

            At the thought of Darien, Lita had the mad desire to rip out his heart for the pain he was causing her best friend.  But remembering the anguished look on Serena's face when she had shown up at her door that evening immediately softened her features.   Underneath the smiling mask of joy and cheer, she knew that Serena cried herself to sleep each night, as was evident by the dark circles underneath her eyes, poorly covered by the makeup.  She sighed, and took a sip of bottled water.  Putting on her own mask of cheer she turned to face her friend.

            "Hey!" she said brightly. "It's pretty hot. Let's take a dip in the water! C'mon, I'll race ya! Last one there has to be _my slave for a week!" Already Lita was on her feet running to the water's edge.  _

            Someone was saying something to her, against the background of excited shrieks of laughing children and happy chatter.  Snapping out of her daze, Serena looked up in time to see Lita glancing back at her with a wink and smile as she ran towards the water.  

            "Hey! Serena exclaimed, jumping to her feet and immediately chasing after her tall friend. A genuine laugh escaped her throat as she ran unsteadily through the uneven sand.  Times like these, she felt happy.  Her best friend cared a great deal about her, so much, in fact, that she would go to the trouble of cheering her up. Maybe I'll forget about Darien, she thought to herself.  Unfortunately in thinking so, her sorrows came flooding back to her, slapping her harshly enough to make her eyes sting with tears. 

            "HA! I win…slave!" Lita shouted taunted triumphantly, throwing her fist in the air. She immediately stopped crowing, though, when she noticed that Serena had become silent again. In fact, Serena seemed to be lost in thought, staring out at the ocean.  They stood there in the comfort of the silence, Serena's intent gaze on the water, Lita's concerned gaze on her friend.

            "That's where the storm caught them," she suddenly said, her voice low and barely above a whisper that Lita almost didn't catch it.  "This is where they found him, half dead." She stopped, and Lita saw a single tear fall from her chin. 

            Serena suddenly shivered as she remembered that frightening thought that had come into her mind a couple days ago when she had sat in the sand.  The idea that maybe she didn't have to live without Darien after all.  The pain didn't have to exist, she thought, almost smiling at the sweet release it would bring.

           Suddenly she turned to Lita, her lips curving into a trembling smile, "Well, I don't know what the stakes of the race were, but let's make it double or nothing, yeah?" Not waiting for a reply, she quickly scampered away, stumbling once in her blind dash to get away from the dangerously luring water.  Lita stood there for a moment, trying to control the sadness that washed over her, chilling her to the bone.  There was another storm rolling in, she thought worriedly, but there were no clouds in the sky.  


	5. Chapter 05

**"Breathe"**

**Chapter Five**

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

            It rained that day.  The dripping sound cloaked her, covering her with strange warmth when it should have made her shudder from the dreariness.  But there were other things that could make her shiver inside and out, and she felt that she'd be safer facing the growing storm outside. 

            "Serena? Did you hear me?" someone asked again.

            "Hmm?" she said trying in vain to sound casual as she stared out the window.  She tried to appear interested in the wet world outside, when instead she could only feel the overpowering presence standing near her, painfully aware of how close he was. To her dismay, the fingers that she held up to the cold glass were shaking.  

            "I said we can be over and done with this as soon as you sign the papers," Darien said as he began to walk towards her. He had come over to her place a short while ago, with the divorce papers that would finalize the split, the very same papers that would rend her heart beyond repair. 

            Don't walk over here, she prayed fervently.  Her prayers must have been lost on the rough wind that moved the raindrops slightly sideways, because suddenly he was behind her, his large warm hands on her shoulders.

            "Serena? Are you listening to me?" he asked as he turned her around to face him.  He was puzzled when she wouldn't look up at him.  "Hey, are you alright?" he asked tenderly lifting her chin to meet her eyes.  "You're crying?" he asked incredulously.

            Serena's eyes were wet, the tears not quite spilling over onto her cheeks.  Summoning all her strength, she smiled widely and pushed him slightly away.  Wiping her eyes she said, "Oh no, Darien.  I was just tired so I yawned. You know how my eyes get watery from that.   I'm probably going to have to take one of my naps.  You know how it is." 

            Darien laughed.  "Yeah I do.  I remember - you used to always take naps in the afternoons - not to mention the weekends when you slept in!" There was a wistfulness in his voice as he remembered how Serena cherished her sleep. 

            Suddenly he felt awkward, as he stood there smiling at her, and she smiled back at him.  She looked so beautiful against the window, her hair cascading around her, her eyes clear and bright. His smile vanished as his breath caught in his throat, while she continued to stare at him as she did, a strange fiery look in her eyes.  The oppressive silence engulfed them, the atmosphere so tense that the air around them crackled.  He was suddenly aware that he still had his hand on her slight slender shoulder, and he squeezed gently.  Her eyes grew wider as she stared up at him, her eyes shining with something, her red lips parting gently.

            He came back to himself and he instantly pulled his hand away and stuck it through his hair.  Clearing his throat with unease he walked back towards the counter where he had set the papers.  "Well as soon as you sign, it's done and done, " he said, refusing to turn around to face her.  

            Serena stifled a sob, and brought her knuckles to her mouth.  It was well that Darien was intent on studying the papers, probably making sure the divorce will be a sure thing, she thought to herself, torturing herself with her own pain. Was she so detestable that he wished to rid of her forever and soon?  His darling Raye was probably far better company than she, she thought, the tears now slipping past her closed lids swiftly.  Without saying a word, she walked as quietly and quickly as she could to her bedroom. Shutting the door behind her, she flung herself onto the bed, burying her face in her arms.  She would have to go out there soon, to face him, and to sign the papers with a happy smile.  The papers, she thought with despair.  If only, she thought, if only she could somehow make him fall in love with her.  But that couldn't happen. Not when he loved _her. _

            "Serena! What's wrong!?"  Darien stood in front of the door hesitantly.  He didn't want to barge in on her.  "Is everything alright? Please, talk to me, Serena!" He waited and when no one answered he slowly opened the door.

            He stood there blindly for several seconds until his eyes adjusted to the dark room.  He saw a shadow huddled on the bed and he walked over to it without hesitation.

            "Hey," he whispered with gentle care as he placed a warm loving hand on her back.  "Come on, you can tell me anything.  What's the matter?"

            She trembled underneath his warm comforting touch, and fought the urge to fling herself into his arms.  She had wished so many times that she could do just that, but always, she had held herself back.  Even in their marriage, it had been a very timid relationship, even after their consummation, with only light kisses and hugs.  

            When she didn't answer he sighed.  "I know what's bothering you, Serena.  And I can't tell you enough how sorry I am! After you left I thought about it, and I realized how unjustly I've treated you," he began warily.  Andrew's words came back to him, but he shook his head, clearing it.

            She instantly turned over to stare at him.  He was shocked to see crystal tears falling from her smooth cheeks.  Even in this state, she was so beautiful, like nothing could mar her; she was simply untouchable.  And for some reason, her beauty, her innocence hurt him, really hurt him through his heart.

            "What - what do you mean, Darien?" She could barely hear her own voice, her heart was pounding so loudly in her ears.

            "Well I mean, I - I had no right to kick you out of our home," he said haltingly, finding something to say, other than what he had meant to say, or actually meant to ask.  "You did most of the decorating, anyway.  And - and this place! Why, as soon as I walked in, I realized how terrible I've been," he continued, his voice growing stronger, as he struggled to find words, afraid to stop talking for fear he might make a mistake. "This place is unsuitable for you! I can't have you live here.  Why don't I find you a nicer place?  Meanwhile, you can take whatever furniture you want.  I'll leave you some money too, until you can get settled." When he saw the incredulous look on her face, he hurriedly continued. "Please, Serena.  Don't think that I've forgotten you.  You're my best friend.  I want you to live well and be happy." But the soothing stroke of his hand down the side of her face was the final shot that killed her.

            She pulled away from him abruptly.  She could never cry in front of him, now; she could never tell him the truth.  Not when he was so kind, and so blind to her feelings!  He didn't need to hear something that would destroy his happiness with the one he loved; she knew that he would feel terribly.   And she would simply die from grief.  Choking back the urge to shout that she only wanted him, she screwed her face up the best she could, trying to hide the pain, the suffering that she was feeling.

            What she said next, she almost screamed out, the voice already sore from the lump that had never gone away.  "I just want my own personal belongings, and I've already brought that with me. Darien, I don't want anything from your house.  I don't want your_ money.  I don't need your help. In fact, I don't want anything from you! I don't want you in my life, Darien! It was nice while it lasted, but you're right, it wasn't real! And now that it's finally over, you can get out of __my life!" Her voice rose with each sentence.  There was a terrible battle raging inside of her, the real Serena crying to get out to hold and love him.  She was horrified that she had said such things to him, that she had the gall to lie like this to him, hurting him.  She had to fight for control, to restrain her hand from coming up to cover her mouth before she spouted more lies._

            She deserved the worst punishment for doing this to Darien, she realized.  Without another word, ignoring the utterly injured look on Darien's face, she stood up quickly and stalked to the kitchen counter.  This is what you get, she told herself harshly. With what you have just said, you don't deserve Darien at all.  Without a thought, she scrawled her name across the dotted line.  Afterwards, her hands shook so much, that she held them behind her as she whirled to face the man she loved as he came to stand before her.  

            "Serena, what's wrong? This is not like you!" Darien quickly came to her side, and tried to look into her eyes.  But, she turned her head away from him.  She was so close to collapsing on the floor and sobbing hysterically.  She had to get him out of there and now!

            "Darien, maybe you didn't know the real me then.  THIS is the real me.  Now why don't you get out?  Frankly, you weren't even invited.  And now you aren't welcome." She couldn't believe that those cold icy words left her mouth.  But she had to make her voice rock-hard and machine-like, or she'd crack.  

            He could never love her, she thought, and it would hurt her more if he knew how much she loved him.  She pulled open the door with a finality that impressed even her.  Darien stared at her a few moments longer.  But he wasn't angry, she noticed with dismay; he seemed so worried, and hurt.  He didn't say a single word though as he left.  He lightly touched her cheek, gave her one last look, simply left her standing at her door, watching his retreating form.  She watched as he left, and he was never going to come back.  

            She made sure that he was no longer there before she crumpled to the floor, her fragile heart in pieces, her hands covering her face, trying to stop the unstoppable flood of tears.        

            Despite the pouring summer rain, Serena sat motionlessly on the shore blinking as the water fell on her lashes and into her eyes.  She absently let the cold waves wash over her bare toes.  Was that only a few hours ago, she thought to herself in disbelief.  It seemed to unreal now, that she had said such harsh things to him.  

            It didn't matter much anyway.  Soon he would be married to his real love.  She felt numb, and it wasn't just the cold, or the clothes that clung to her body, drenched and soaked from the stinging rain.  

            Always, there had been that extra presence in her marriage with Darien anyway.  She couldn't blame any of her agony or misery on Darien or Raye because the cruel fact of the matter was that she had fallen in love with a man that could never love her back. Acknowledging this fact somehow gave her some comfort, as she pulled the misery closer to her like a warm blanket.  She was unwanted, had always been and always would be.  There was no changing that and if that was the case, then so be it, she thought, embracing the pain. 

            She finally focused on her surroundings.  Her salty tears mixed with the salty rain that soaked her face.  Geez, she thought to herself, if I stay out here any longer, I'll catch a cold, not to mention my death. An especially violent shiver racked her small frame at this point.  Standing up a little shakily, she wrapped her arms around her body, trying to warm herself as her teeth began to shatter uncontrollably.  

            But still, she didn't leave immediately.  She stood there, staring longer out into the sea.  "Is this how it was for you, Darien?" she asked aloud quietly, intently, as the raw cold bit into her.  Her obsession with Darien's near brush with death grew stronger.  What was it like? She couldn't bear that he had been through so much pain and suffering.  She wanted to feel it, share it with him, just as much as she wanted to be with him now, sharing in his happiness. Suddenly a strange urge coursed through her veins.  She became rooted to the spot, suddenly mesmerized by the powerful waves crashing into each other, the sound of it deafening in her ears. 

            With a strange yearning deep inside of her, she slowly and deliberately began to make her way towards the water, drawn by the majestic raw power of the raging sea. Perhaps she'd have a little dip in the water before she left, she thought lightly to herself, and leaned into the heavy winds that tore at her clothes and hair.

            Lita waited impatiently at the door.  "Come on, Serena, I know you're in there! You didn't call me like you said you would, so I wanted to check up on you.  I hope you aren't sick."  She paused to listen closely, her ear pressed to the chipped paint on the door.  "Serena?" she called out hesitantly.   Serena was normally a little bit of a flake, missing appointments and running late.  But these days, Lita felt nervous and jumpy at every little thing that Serena did.  She was worried.  What if she -? She stopped herself at that point.  She didn't even want to think about it. 

            Damn, she thought to herself.  She waited a few moments longer, fuming to herself.  "Okay, if you don't open this door, I'm gonna just kick it in, I swear.  You know I'll do it, too," she threatened, veiling her fear and worry with her anger.  "That's it, girl, I'm coming in!" 

            Using the techniques she had learned in her karate and kick boxing classes, she forced the door from its hinges with one swift well-placed kick.  "Whoa, weak door," she muttered before hurrying into the room. 

           "Serena!" she called out a little frantically.  Oh please, please let her be in her room sleeping, she thought fervently.  She hoped that she had just been foolish.  Serena was too happy-go-lucky to even think of such a thing. Her hopes were crushed when the only sound she heard was the sound of silence, engulfing the apartment like a shroud. She frantically ran from room to room.

            It didn't take long to search her place.  She simply wasn't there. Damn, Lita thought, I have to find her now!  She raced out of the building tears burning in her eyes, her heart thudding frantically, thinking of the only place that Serena would ever go. She could only pray that she would be sane enough not to do anything foolish.

            She was waist deep in the water now.  She moved slowly and steadily forward, only stopping sometimes when the waves crashed into her body head on, forcing her to rebalance herself. 

            "Darien," she whispered. "I want to be with you." She felt a little crazy, the obsession running through her body, pumping through her blood and into her brain.  She watched herself from somewhere above, and realized how utterly insane she was being.  Her idea from before suddenly hit her hard.  Is that what she was going to do? She remembered how she had thought that living without Darien was not living at all.  And then how those thoughts had turned into the thought that she didn't have to live without out him if she didn't want to.  The point was, that she didn't have to live at all.  Suddenly she couldn't move past that thought as the ocean floor suddenly disappeared and she was floating weightless in the raging sea.   


	6. Chapter 06

"Breathe" 

**Chapter Six**

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

            The feeling of utter hopelessness washed over her with the same bone chilling coldness as the violent waves that slammed into her helpless body.  She closed her eyes, and suddenly she didn't care.  She smiled softly to herself letting the mighty currents gather her into the arms of the freezing waves that warred with each other, striking and melding, crushing her in the middle.  Closing her eyes and savoring each second death approached her, she spread her arms wide in welcome underwater as she was pulled and pushed about until she grew dizzy. She swallowed the water when it flew over her head, dragging her under for seconds at a time before pushing her back towards the top.   A strange euphoria seeped into her mind and everything seemed so far away, including her love for her Darien. Nothing hurt her, nothing could touch her; she was simply floating, and she felt safe. 

            As soon as Lita's feet touched the sand, she began to sprint along the uneven sand.  She couldn't see very well through the haze of the falling rain and her own tears.  Blind panic gripped her, as she fell a couple times onto the rough sand, skinning her knees in the process.  Where was she, she screamed inwardly.  As far as she could see, there was no one at the beach.  

            Her eyes automatically began to search the ocean, although her own heart angrily denied that her friend would be out there.  Suddenly, she saw a bit of yellow rolling among the ominous waves, her heart growing heavy, almost breaking.   

            "Serena!" Lita screamed with all her energy.  She ran towards the water's edge.  The panic made her blood run cold, her vision wavering for a split second, until her feet began to move of their own accord deeper into the black sea, her tears streaming into the ocean's seemingly endless depths.

            Serena vaguely heard her name shouted through the curtain of her hazy mind.  As the strange call reluctantly pulled her from her lovely dream, she slowly opened her eyes, bleary from the stinging salt, and saw an image of her friend flickering between the restless waves. While her clouded mind could not at first fathom why her friend was out on such a day, or even why she herself was out in the middle of the ocean, the absolutely terrified look on Lita's face jarred her, stopping time itself.  It was then that realization suddenly hit her full force, and she grew aware of her surroundings, of her actions and its consequences.  Panicking, she jack-knifed into a straighter position in the water, just as a particularly violent wave swept around her, grabbing her roughly and dunking her beneath the swollen sea.  Sudden fear gripped her as she clawed at the water futilely, trying in vain to fight the disorder and confusion while fighting the currents, as her life came rushing back at her, her sorrow, her lost love, her frightening resolve to die.  Her thoughts began to run through her mind in a frenzy.  She had not wanted to care; she wanted to forget everything, the pain, to give up and to stop the struggle.   But the look she had seen on Lita's face, even for that split second, the look of fear combined with deep wounded sadness; it was stamped into her mind, and the sight tore at her with feelings of guilt.  In freeing herself, she would burden her friend with sorrow.  The same sorrow she had received from Darien's loss she would be handing over to Lita.  Her selfishness slapped her in the face with the same fury as the waves that ruthlessly pummeled her in its angry course of the storm.  One thought now prevailed in her mind: she must make her way back to where Lita waded dangerously in the water. 

            But the sea seemed to have grown even more violent, leaving her to thrash in its wake, as if refusing to let her go.  She began to fight to stay above the water's surface. There were times when the currents would pull her vulnerable body beneath the waves, where she would choke on the rough sea water.  Her eyes burned with the strain, and her tears mixed immediately with the heavy water pressing around her. The waves sometimes pulled her completely under, when blind panic set in and she would flail her arms, trying to breach once again the surface of the water.   When she did make it to the surface, she was immediately hauled back towards the ocean floor.  She was frightened out of her mind as she tried in vain to see through the blackness that seemed to swallow her whole, engulfing her mercilessly.  But, she soon felt herself growing weaker.  She was so tired, so very tired.  She didn't want for things to end this way, she thought to herself with silent sob.  Unconsciously she let the waves pull her towards the bottom again, and this time she did not fight it, but surrendered.  I'm sorry, Lita, she thought, as the sorrow ate through to the core of her soul like acid.   

            She was under for several seconds when her lungs began to burn resentfully at its loss of oxygen.  She clawed at her throat, accidentally swallowing more of the salty water, making her want to retch.  She wanted to breathe, but she was suffocating; the currents would not let her go. This is how Darien had felt that fateful day, she thought, the panic rushing through her. But he had lost more than his desire to breathe.  He had lost his only love.  His _only love, she thought to herself bitterly.  If only the damned ocean had not taken away his happiness, she thought with anger.  Her thoughts magnified on this point, and a strange feeling bubbled dangerously within her.  All the anger and bitterness she had been trying to repress began to escape the tight restraints deep within the recesses of her heart.   All the pain she had endured, all the pain that Darien had to endure; it all came down to this.  True it was not nature's fault but she had no logical thought left inside her, and all her anger began to channel along this point. That these very waters that now tried to take her life had already taken away her happiness, she suddenly thought, her eyes growing large with anger._

            As her anger grew steadily, so did her strength and resolve.  She would not let these waters win again, she thought to herself.  Hate filled her, darkening her eyes, blackening her heart.  She struggled, not quite in her right mind, and she began to use all her energy in kicking at the water, driving her arms and fists, and cutting through the cold waves.  She broke through the surface with a fury of a woman possessed.  She saw Lita clearly now.  Lita, whose face was contorted in pain, had waded up to her neck, trying to keep her balance at the same time as trying to reach her lost friend.  With determination, Serena concentrated on the distant figure and began to fight through the strong currents that pushed against her. Each time she drove her arms through the water, each time she kicked her legs violently behind her, she thought of her hate for the sea that had taken away her life when it had taken Darien's happiness. Time and space fell away from her, until only her raw internal battle raged on.  She continued to fight and kick with this new inhuman strength until suddenly long arms wrapped around her.  She felt something grip her and she suddenly found herself looking into wet green eyes.  

            "Serena," Lita cried brokenly, her voice strangely high and throaty, "why did you do that? Why did you do that?" she sobbed over and over as she clutched her friend, burying her head against her shoulder, afraid to let go.

            "Lita," Serena whispered hoarsely, the black feelings dissipating, only to leave her feeling cold and empty. But the tears on her friend's face unnerved her.  In all her life, she had never seen Lita cry, Lita who had prided herself on her tough exterior.  Although she began to shake visibly, she tried to smile with her blue swollen lips.  "I just felt like going for a swim is all," she heard herself saying, as the tears began to slip from her eyes as well.  She continued to repeat these words as if to convince herself as well as Lita.  Exhaustion took hold of her soon, and she could no longer feel her limbs. She felt dizzy, and slowly yet steadily, her vision faded, as did the sound of the angry ocean crashing and falling around her ears. 

            What was wrong with her, he asked himself, as he idly drank down his glass of wine.  The frustration grew as he played the scene with Serena over and over in his mind.  She acted as if he had hurt her.  Had he?  He thought back to what Andrew had said, that Serena loved him. Impossible, he thought, trying not to feel uneasy.  He never wanted to hurt her because he did love her, just not in that way.  Right?

            He was aware of the strange silence and he quickly looked up from his seat at one end of the sofa to find Raye looking expectantly at him.  He stared back at her confused, until she sighed in exasperation.  

            "I said, would you like any more wine," Raye repeated, her temper flaring slightly.  She glanced apologetically at the blond man that sat near her then gestured a little angrily with her eyes at Darien.  

            Darien merely shook his head with a strained smile as he too glanced at the man seated across from him. Jed, his name was, Jed who was the son of the couple that had helped Raye out during her period of amnesia. Raye smiled warmly at their guest and walked gracefully across the sitting room over to the liquor cabinet to prepare his drink. 

            "Like I was saying," she said with a hint of reproach towards Darien as she poured the drink, "I thought it would be nice if we got together sometime for a night on the town.  We can try out that restaurant downtown that everyone's been raving about." She returned to resume her role as the hostess. "Wouldn't that be nice, Darien?" she asked pointedly at Darien.  

            "Uh, yes, that would be," he quickly replied trying to concentrate at the situation at hand.  He didn't miss the glare from Raye.

            "Anyways, I think that would be nice, since Jed hasn't ever been to this side of the city.  Besides, I think we owe him so much for all he has done for us." She smiled widely at the blond as she placed her hand on his.  

            Jed blushed slightly, but grinned back.  "Really, you don't have to thank me. My parents and I are just glad that everything worked out for you."

            Darien suddenly cleared his throat and rose from his seat unceremoniously.  

            "Well, it's getting late, and I do have work tomorrow.  I'm terribly sorry, but I'll have to leave you two to yourselves."  He stood up a little stiffly and kissed Raye awkwardly on the cheek before making his way to the bedroom.  Then he was gone before anyone could protest or at least reply.  

            Raye stared at the empty space where Darien had stood, fuming inside.  Pushing her anger down, she smiled politely at Jed.  "Please excuse his behavior.  He can be very introverted like that at times."

            Jed grinned good-naturedly, standing up.  "Raye, it's okay.  Besides, I didn't come to see him," he said pointedly, his smile growing wider. Raye's heart seemed to speed up, making her feel strangely warm.   

            "Well it is getting late," she said, glancing at the clock, choosing to ignore the look that he was giving her at the moment.  "We'll do this again real soon," she added smiling, as she led him to the front door.   

            "You still have to show me around town right?" he asked as he smiled at the raven-haired beauty looking up at him. They stood there together, in the hallway, silent, each gazing into the other's eyes, before Raye cleared her throat hastily, trying to cover the rosy hue that swept over her face.  

            "Yes, of course," she murmured softly, trying to still her fluttering heart.  Jed smiled slightly, his dark blue eyes crinkling in mischief before he placed a light kiss on her burning cheeks.

            "Goodnight, Raye," he said softly, before quickly stepping out of the door and into the pouring rain. The dark head flew up, shocked at his action.  Raye stood there a long while after, the guilt slowly replacing the pleasure. Tearing her gaze away from the road, she focused on the stairs that led to the bedroom.  Her eyes narrowed suddenly as she remembered Darien's behavior that night.  Quickly snatching up that excuse to blow steam in order to forget her own guilt, she made her way purposefully up the stairs.  

            "What's the big idea?!" she blew up as soon as she stepped into their bedroom.  Darien seemed unfazed by her sudden appearance and outburst.     

            "Is something the matter?" Darien asked quietly. He had been lying on his back, his arms cradling his head, staring blankly at the ceiling when he turned his head to slowly face her.

            "Is something the matter!" she yelled, his calm manner provoking her more.  "You have the gall to ask me that? What the heck is wrong with you today? You barely said a word all throughout dinner! Are you so uncivilized you don't know how to make conversation?!" she yelled as she stood above him, attacking whatever faults she could Darien immediately sat up to stare Raye straight in the face.

            "Excuse me if I'm a little quiet sometimes," he said with icy coldness.  "Not that it matters, since our young guest seemed not to have noticed my presence anyway," he added as he stood from the sheets. 

            Raye's eyes narrowed. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were jealous!" She put her hands on her hips, her stance instantly on the offense.  But as soon as the words left her mouth, she felt the guilt rush back to her tenfold.  

            Darien didn't say a word as he now stood by the window, resting his forehead on the cool glass.  The rain was falling heavily, beating against the roof and windows, creating a lulling rhythm. The silence was drawn out, creating a tense atmosphere that did little to ease Raye's uncontrollable feelings. 

            Raye sighed in frustration, unable to bear the quiet, but mostly unable to deal with her own feelings of guilt and anger.   "You know what, fine!  If you don't want to talk to me, then you can just stand there all by yourself."  She threw him a scathing look before flouncing out of the room, shutting off the light, and slamming the door shut behind her. 

            Raye ran to the study and flung herself on the couch, her head coming to rest on her arms as she sobbed silently.  She felt so overwhelmed by the feelings that ran freely through her pulsing veins.  She felt so confused and tired.  If only Darien could be more like Jed, she thought to herself, more understanding, more communicative.  With these last thoughts she slowly drifted into a restless sleep. 

            Above her, in their bedroom, Darien remained motionless, standing in the same position that Raye had left him in.  His head pressed against the glass of the window, the moon peeking out every now and then from the dark storm clouds to trace the tracks of tears down his haggard cheeks. Knowing that sleep would never come to him, he stood there, wondering why everything had gone so wrong.


	7. Chapter 07

"Breathe" 

**Chapter Seven**

**By Sinclair**

**Standard Disclaimers Apply**

"Darien!" she called, laughing and smiling, her jubilance affecting him, making him feel the sun not only warm his shoulders and back, but also fill his veins with potent power, power that made him feel invulnerable to the hurt of the world.  She tripped along the sand, and he could sense the purity of her joy, the innocence and the simplicity of her emotions and feelings. He could see it in her smile; and he could read it in her blue eyes, eyes not the sad somber blue of his, but the bright carefree blue of a clear sky.  

            And as she approached him, he could forget where he was; he could forget the smell of the sea air, the feel of the cold salty water lapping around his ankles.  When she wrapped her soft lithe arms around him, he could even close his eyes and forget the past.  This was the here and now.

            "Darien," she said, snuggling into his body, searching for warmth to ease the chill of the water at her feet.  "Don't be sad anymore."

            Startled he opened his eyes, which had closed of their own accord to enjoy the feel of her arms around him better.  The two stood at the edge of the world, the water moving around them gently and hypnotically. 

            "Serena."   Confusion etched his face, and he gripped her upper arms in concern.  She was smiling at him so sweetly, so lovingly.  But the words she had said - how did she ever know?

            "I'm always going to be here for you.  We'll be together, always," she promised as she smiled at him, brushing the hair from his eyes with one hand, all the while holding him close with her other arm. 

            "Believe me.  From this moment, I'm going to be right here for you, and everything is going to be okay."  She turned them towards the horizon, where the dark sea met the sunny skies.  "You can believe in me, Darien, because I'll never let you go."  

            He did believe her, and they were happy - for a time.  

And then there came that time when he had stopped believing.  

            "Was that so long ago?" he mumbled to himself confused, half whispering into his hands, his tired ashen face lined with worry and regret.  Hunched over in his seat on the couch, he felt like a little child again, as though the couch could swallow his small form, leaving him feeling so alone and empty again; like in the ocean, he thought, ready to swallow up everything and everyone in his life.  

Just then, he felt a hesitant hand touch his shoulder lightly, and he looked up startled, forgetting for a slight moment where he was.  Lita's large green eyes, swimming dangerously with a mixture of what were undecipherable emotions to him, peered into his dark blue eyes intently.  "Darien," she said, her voice low and thick from hours of holding back tears, "you've been sitting there mumbling for the past half hour."  He stared back at her, not registering the words she was making with her mouth.  "I wanted to know if you wanted to see her now?  She's up," she finished curtly, moving away from him to lead him to the room.

            He nodded stupidly, his head feeling strangely heavy as he stood slowly from his seat.  Andrew who had been sitting across from him nodded, giving him an encouraging smile.  He tried to smile back, but his lips and face felt numb and he couldn't form the expression.  God, he felt so scared.

            His feet moved automatically, moving one right after the other, despite the tremor that ran throughout his body.  He breathed in deeply, the air catching in his throat, and he closed his eyes, trying to calm his nerves as he approached the doorway at the end of the hall.  He pushed it open and stepped in.

As soon as the door closed behind him, Lita who had been waiting at the end of the hall moved wearily to the sofa and fell into it. She rubbed her temple, opening one eye beneath her hand warily to see Andrew studying her all the while from across the coffee table.

"Don't start on me Andrew," she said warningly, speaking before he had a chance.  "It's already been tough," she said closing her eyes again, her expression growing angry.  "I told you I didn't want Darien here," she said through clenched teeth, waving her hand around her apartment.  "I don't think Serena should see him so soon."  Now she wished that she hadn't called Andrew the other day to inform him of the 'incident' that had occurred the week before.   

            "Don't be too hard on the guy, Lita," Andrew said after a moment, forcing himself to look away from her, staring out the window unseeingly instead.  "He's pretty shaken up by this, ya know.  He – he really cares about her."  He hesitated at those words, unwilling to say anything more on that subject, remembering his own conversation with Darien earlier.  

            "Doesn't he know?" she asked suddenly, startling Andrew from his thoughts. He gazed back at her, the confusion and question evident in his light blue eyes.  He ran his hand through his hair, a habit he had picked up from being around his best friend so often, at which Lita narrowed her eyes menacingly.  "Dammit! Doesn't he?" she repeated fiercely, pushing the matter.

            "If you mean, does he know why she did it, then I'm not sure.  Hell, who even knows why she really did it.  Either way, he can be a little – dense sometimes," he replied, smiling wryly at his choice of words, at what he thought was an understatement.  Sighing, the corners of his mouth pulled downwards.  "Maybe I shouldn't have brought him here," he said, rubbing his hands over his face.

            There was so much more she wanted to say, so much more fear-induced anger she wanted to vent, but at the sight of the ever-indomitable Andrew in despair, she balked, her heart breaking at the strangely disturbing sight.  She reached over and put her hand on his knee gently.  "No," she said, trying to control her emotions, "you were right.  I – I guess I'm just so upset, that I blamed him.  But, no - it's not his fault."  She winced then, because she remembered how he had shown up at her door; and how she had immediately blown up in his face, telling him to leave, telling him that it was his entire fault.  "God," she whispered, finally burying her face in her hands and breaking down, not even sure exactly who she was crying for anymore.  

            Andrew was at her side at once, pulling her into his arms, and holding her as she bawled into his shirtfront.  "It's okay, Lita.  Everything will turn out fine," he said soothingly, repeatedly murmuring comforting words.  He had been trying to stay calm the entire wait, for Darien's sake, and for Lita's as well; but now, he could not help the tears that coursed down his own cheeks, silently weeping, the beautiful brown hair girl he had always adored in his arms.  "Don't cry, please, Lita," he whispered.

            But she couldn't stop.  She hated this feeling, the feeling of waiting for the inevitable ending, because this was by no means, the end of the matter.

A sigh echoed in the darkness, and he waited for his eyes to adjust.  Slivers of light broke free from the cracks in the blind, creating a hazy dream-like atmosphere around him, making him feel even more strange, making him feel as though none of this were happening.  When he could finally see more clearly, he slowly made his way to the side of the bed where Lita apparently had placed a small wooden stool.  

            "Serena - " 

            He meant to be strong, to sound confident; in the long hours of sitting and waiting in the living room, all he could think of was Serena, what he would say, how he would react when he saw her.  He had been working so hard to control his voice, to control his emotions, but already at the first word, his voice broke, and he shuddered at the sound. 

            The figure beneath all the layers of the thick blankets moved slightly at the sound as well, freezing suddenly.  At just that slight movement, Darien felt his legs give way, and he slumped into the stool, his head immediately falling into his hands, struggling not to cry right then and there.  

            She struggled against the blankets caught in the silent movements and silent sound, trying to move them out of the way, but they felt like bricks on her frail body. Her head still hurt, but the warmth of the room and the many covers eased the shivers that had racked her earlier. How long had it been since Lita had brought her home from the hospital?  She struggled, too, with the blanket that had been cast over her mind, making her feel as though she were losing her sanity.  She almost laughed aloud then, almost proving to herself that she had lost her mind.  She could not believe that it had come to this.

            Feeling weak and tired, she struggled to sit up, finally catching Darien's attention.  Immediately, he leapt from the chair, his energy renewed by the sight of her.  He didn't even notice the pale illumination of her skin, nor the pinched cheeks and dulled eyes.  He only thought how she could be beautiful even when death lay perfectly still at her feet, waiting for its master's command.  

            Helping her to a sitting position, he savored the feel of her body in his arms, relishing in the feel of her cool skin against his own, his veins pulsing erratically in fear and shame, as he lowered his head.

            "Darien," she whispered, the name cracking between her dry parched lips, prompting Darien to lift his guilty gaze to meet hers.  She looked up at him with her large luminous eyes, even as the life began to gently seep back into the blue of the sky, the sight of her only love keeping death at bay for moments longer.

             She smiled then, a beautifully pure smile, one absolutely devoid of any loathing, and Darien could not for the life of him smile back.  He stared at her disbelievingly.  How could she be smiling at him, he thought, the guilt tearing at his soul.

            She gazed at him lovingly, too tired to hold back her real thoughts and feelings.  She could tell what he was thinking at that moment, just as she had always been able to do.  Her thoughts blackened slightly as she remembered that sometimes what she knew only hurt her.  Shaking her head ever so lightly, so as not to trigger the pain that throbbed at the base of her skull, she reached for Darien's hand.  Mirth shone in her eyes again, as she held his hand, noting how he seemed shocked at the touch, their connection, at even her ability to smile.

            "It's nice to see you, Darien," she said politely, her voice still small and uneven.  He nodded, swallowing hard the pain that rose in his throat, unable to answer.  She lay there, fragile and small, and he stood above her, like a crumbling tower; neither said a word as the silence grew oppressive.  

            And then - "Why?"

            Startled, Serena lifted her head abruptly, now feeling the pain in her head that she had been trying to avoid.  "What-?"  If there was a single prayer she lifted to the heavens, she had hoped –no wished, that he would not ask her this.

            "Why did you try to leave?" he chocked out finally.  Unknowingly, he pressed closer to her, trying to read her expression, see into her soul, even as his own tears created a mist that he could barely see through.

            Silent tears streaked down her own face, though her face held no discernable reaction.  "I didn't leave," she said quietly, letting go of his hand.  He stared down at the blanket, breathing harshly.  

            "You did!" he spoke roughly, his chest heaving at the pending sobs threatening to break free.  "I remember there was a time, when you said that you wouldn't leave!"  He felt out of control, knowing how childish he sounded, knowing that he was no better than what he had been as a child, knowing that he had never improved.  

            "God," he whispered, not even waiting for an answer as he read the stricken look on her otherwise silent face.  He stood up abruptly, almost jarring Serena from the action.  He paced the length of the floor like a madman, his hand brushing violently through his hair.  His soft beautiful black hair, Serena thought to herself despairingly, feeling familiar emotions rushing through her veins as she gazed at his hands wistfully.  To feel him again, holding her close, she thought, closing her eyes.  

"What dreams are made of," she whispered.  But in dreams only, she amended to herself.

            "What?" he turned to her, startled to hear her speak.  But she had spoken too quietly for him to catch those words.  He edged closer to her, the half-crazed look gone from his face, though pain still lingered upon his knitted brows.  She opened her eyes to smile at him again, a sweet half-smile, almost lazy in its innocence, and he pulled back as though he had been shocked.  He moved away, not seeing the pain flit fleetingly through her eyes.

            "You always forgave too easily," he said, quietly.  It was her turn to wonder at his words.  What did he mean?  Her eyes bore into his back intently, as he turned from her, to move to the blinds.  "It's dark in here," he then said indifferently.  Without waiting for an agreement, he pulled the blinds, drawing the morning sun into the room, as it swept through the room, purging the dreariness that clung to space, touching even the darkest shadows that lurked at the corners.  

            She squinted at the harshness of the light, but she didn't care.  She let it wash over her, feeling the heat on her skin instantly.  Looking towards him now, it was difficult to read his expressions, because the light silhouetted him from behind.

            "Darien," she called, hesitantly, as though he were far away from her, as though she were afraid that she would be lost in the light.  He came to her at once, seating himself in the chair, pulling it closer to her.  Somehow the warmth of the sun, and the absence of the dark dreariness that had penetrated the room earlier, gave him courage. 

            "I'm sorry," she said, with such quiet finesse, that only she could pull off because she was always so sincere, so loving and forgiving.  He shook his head violently, and her face turned sorrowful, that he would not accept her apology.

            "No," he said, his voice cracking again, and he closed his eyes for the feel of the sun again, wishing for that potent power that he felt so long ago with the bright girl before him.  "Don't say that, Serena, please," he said, his voice growing with quiet strength.  He bowed his head in repentance.  "It's –it's all my fault."  There was no mistaking the misery and dejection in his tone. 

            Her eyes grew large, as she tried to understand what he was saying.  As much as it hurt and shamed her, she went through the events of the last couple weeks through her head.  Nowhere could she herself place any blame on his head.  She had been the fool, the unthinking idiot who had gone and dragged along everyone else to suffer with her, she thought remorsefully, thinking of the two who were now waiting patiently in the living room.  Just as violently she shook her head, now welcoming the pain that throbbed in her skull.  

            "Stop it, Darien! Stop blaming yourself for everything!" she cried, her throat aching and protesting at the sudden outburst.  "You didn't make me do anything," she added, in a more subdued voice, the sadness tinting the edges of her eyes, eyes that had once been the color of a clear blue sky, Darien remembered thinking at one time.  "Besides, things change, don't they?" she asked plaintively, though her voice tried to remain light and cheerful.  "And people change.  What people say so long ago, they can't always be true to the end." Her voice wavered dangerously, and she stopped speaking.  

            He regarded her in silence, confusion marring his features.  He knew that what had happened (he refused to acknowledge that she had indeed tried to take her own life) had to do with what he had done to her.  He was an idiot for not having seen it earlier, but he could see it now unequivocally.  He had been – well he had been worse than what Andrew had accused him of being. 

            "Serena," he began again, noticing how she seemed so drained.  He had no desire to strain her at a time like this, but he had to know; he had to know if Andrew had been right all along.  "Please," he said, his voice pleading with hers, "please tell me why?"  He knew he was pushing too soon, but he felt he had no choice.

            Sighing, Serena fell back against the pillows.  "You know," she began conversationally, as though she did not hear his question.  "I loved you the day I saw you in that hospital room all those years ago," she said quietly, her eyes trained only on her fingers, as they fiddled with the blanket absently.  "And – I just never stopped."  She closed her eyes, her fingers stopping their motion.

            Darien drew in a shaky breath, trying to calm himself, as he too closed his eyes.  Did he ever doubt in that love?  He must have at one point, he thought to himself.  But Raye – he loved Raye. . . didn't he?

            "Serena," he began, trying to form the thoughts as they came to him.

            "Don't, Darien."  She cut him off, her eyes still closed, her voice low.  She knew what she would say; she had all the time in the world to think after all, and perhaps that was a dangerous thing for someone like her.  But her voice sounded heavy and increasingly more tired, and he was alarmed at the sudden drain in energy.  "Of course, there's Raye," she said, her voice grew smaller, though there was not even a trace of malice in her voice.  "But I think – I honestly think that before you love anyone, you need to love yourself most of all.  Because otherwise, Darien," she said, her voice urgent at the same time impossible low, "you can't love at all."  Despite her world-weary tone, she lay there peacefully, as though she would close her eyes and never wake again.

            Tears burned at his eyes as he listened to her words, and it pierced his heart, making him shake almost uncontrollably.  To hear it from her hurt the most.  He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off, again.

            "I'm sorry, Darien," she said, her voice struggling to maintain an audible level.  "Would you mind closing the blinds? I'm awfully tired…" The words drifted as her breathing grew slower.  

            He moved automatically, like a robot, though his heart began to pound wildly in his chest, threatening to burst.  The darkness cut the sunlight from the room, and he felt it settle around him, suffocating him, making it hard for him to breathe.  He grew frightened at how still Serena seemed to grow by the second, standing by her side in the darkness, afraid that the rhythmic, hypnotic rate of her breathing would cease altogether.  With the tears now burning streaks unchecked down his cheeks and the occasional sob breaking free from him in shuddering racks, he clenched his hands to curb the cold tremor that ran through him. 

". . .you can't love at all. . ."

 It was a long while that he stood alone in the darkness before he turned towards the door.  

The door opened slowly, creaking gratingly on the hinges, as the ominous note of finality hung precariously in the air. At the sound Andrew looked up from his seat.  He watched as Darien stepped out, as though in a trance, his head lowered, his eyes shaded. When he reached the edge of the room, he looked up, his eyes bloodshot, his lip trembling in the slightest.

"Where's Lita?" he asked quietly, hating how the silence had to fill the room, as it filled his heart. But he only vaguely noted Lita's absence from the room, not even really caring.

"Darien! What's wrong?" Andrew shot up from his chair, knowing that something had gone wrong.   

"I – I'm a little tired, myself," Darien said, looking everywhere but not anywhere in particular, his hand in his hair again.  He avoided Andrew's concerned eyes. 

"Darien," Andrew began, his voice low and quiet.  Darien held up his hand, nodding as though he had heard it all before, his eyes trained on the floor.  Ignoring what he knew to be a sign, a plea, for solitude, Andrew moved to Darien, placing his hand comfortingly on his shoulder.  

Darien stiffened, and pulling away.  

"C'mon, Dare," Andrew said coaxingly, his own eyes pained at the sight of his friend's agony.  

Darien suddenly made a strange choking sound.  "God," he breathed finally, as his face broke into one of anguish again, his resolve to remain stoic in front of another crumbling utterly. "She – she said – oh god, what if she doesn't make it -" He broke off, unable to finish the thought, as though voicing it would make it real. He only felt the hopelessness wash over him, feeling like a child again.  Andrew put his arms around his best friend of so many years, and did what he always did when they were children.  He let him cry.


	8. Chapter 08

"Breathe"

Chapter Eight

By Sinclair

Standard Disclaimers Apply

            He stared at his fingers absently, the way they wrapped around the heat of his coffee mug, letting his black hair fall forward pricking his eyelids every now and then.  Not really knowing what he was doing, he tilted the mug slightly, watching indifferently as the dark steaming liquid spilled over the pristine white edge, not even flinching at the sensation of the contact of coffee on skin.  As though mesmerized, he watched unblinkingly as the coffee moved in trickling streams along the counter until it dripped onto the floor, drip…drip…drip…

            "Darien!" Andrew was immediately there, staring at the mess on the counter and on the floor.  With disbelief he stared at Darien's now reddened hands stained dark with coffee.  "Dammit," he muttered, grabbing a wet cloth and some ice from behind the counter, shoving it towards his friend, while at the same time, trying to wipe down the counter.  All the while, he glanced surreptitiously from beneath his blond bangs at Darien, who still sat unmoving, now staring at the ice in his hands.

            "Darien," Andrew said quietly, stopping his work at once.  "Come on, man."  He stood staring at him a moment, but there was no answer.  "Listen," he continued when he knew there would be no answer, "you can't go on like this.  Why don't you go home?"

            Darien blinked numbly, brows furrowing for a split second for the one second he comprehended the words.  "Home?" he said softly, his rough voice catching in his throat.  The cloth now moved in his hands as he picked at its edges, his knuckles whitening when he wrung the cloth, then reddening as the blood flooded through again. 

            "Yeah, Dare –home.  You need some rest –you just aren't going to make it like this."  Andrew glanced around at the bustling café, trying to keep his head clear amidst the sounds of clinking silverware and conversation and laughter.  But the sounds were oddly distorted in the little niche of silence that seemed to pervade around them.  He didn't know what passed between Darien and Serena at Lita's the other day, and he knew that this was something he couldn't ask –at least not yet.  This was Darien after all, king of hidden emotions and brooding.  And yet, he did all he could to fight the curiosity; he had never seen Darien in such sobriety, in such despondence.   Whatever happened in those few moments was now slowly killing his best friend.

            "I can't."

            Andrew looked up, surprised at any response.  "What?"  He leaned over the edge of the counter to hear the quiet words more clearly.  

            Darien sighed, and from his rapid blinking Andrew knew that he struggled to keep the tears from emerging.  "I can't go home. Not like this."  

            "Sure you can go home, Darien, sure you can.  If you wait up for me, I can close up in a while, and we can go together or something.  Heck, I can even close up right now if you want."  He paused here to take off his apron, balling it up and preparing to throw it haphazardly somewhere. But before Andrew could make a move, a hand shot out and gripped his wrist.  Surprised he turned around to find himself face to face with Darien who know stood halfway up leaning over the counter, staring with bloodshot eyes into Andrew's own light blue eyes.  He didn't notice until now just how terrible Darien looked, as though he hadn't slept in ages. 

            "Darien." Andrew said, unable to hide the shock. 

            "It's okay, Andrew.  You don't have to."  He let go of his wrist and straightened up.  "I –I think that I'm just going to go for a walk."  He was already heading out towards the door before Andrew could say or do anything. "Listen, Andrew," Darien added turning slightly, but not meeting his friend's eyes.  "Don't worry about me.  I'll be fine. I'll see you later, okay?" 

            Andrew nodded slowly, worry written over his usually placid face.  Darien smiled sadly.  "Thanks, Andrew.  For everything, I mean."  

            "Sure, Darien, sure."

            Darien nodded again, pushing open the door to the café, blinking in the glaring shine of the sun before making his way down the street. 

            Andrew wanted nothing else but to make everything okay for his best friend again.  But this time, it wasn't just wasn't his place. 

            There was not much else to do that day. She sat alone at one of the restaurant's tables on the sidewalk, the sun warm on her face as she fiddled with the straw in her drink.  After arranging her permanent move into Lita's apartment, the two girls had decided to pool their resources together to finance their own business, a flower shop perhaps, or even a restaurant like this one, though Andrew would probably never speak to them again after that.  Yes, things were beginning to look up, after all, how could anything be worse?  Yet still, somewhere, deep and dark inside of her, she held on to those thoughts of despair, though there was no longer the force of action behind those thoughts.  These changes, whatever they resulted in, would be, or at least should be, her ticket to a life, a steady solid life where she could begin anew. 

            However, she slumped slightly in the hard chair, her eyes moving to stare at the interlocked fingers that lay quietly on her lap.  It was so hard, so draining to have to remain upbeat, especially when she was so inclined to fall back into depression.  Suddenly, her thoughts shifted, settling on one man she would never forget, no matter how hard she tried.  She knew, no matter what, she would never stop loving him like she did, no matter what happened, no matter what he did, no matter what she did.  But there was a time she remembered when things were different; but it was so far from reach, that she felt that she might have dreamt the whole thing up in her loneliness.  No, she thought, there really was a time when things were different, when things were real.  The question was, how did so much change so quickly?  Had she been so dense all along that she didn't noticed until she was steeped in a misery so far from salvation that she could only watch herself drowning from shore? She fought the tears now pricking at the back of her eyes.  No, she vowed, no more of that.  She prayed that her resolve would be stronger this time.  

            Her eyes shifted slightly, as she shook her head silently, wisps of blond hair billowing gently around her.  Biting the now trembling lip, she cringed inwardly at how much she had burdened her friends lately.  It didn't matter how she felt inside, she thought with determination.  She would no longer hurt her friends.  And so, she practiced the smile to herself, the one she had been practicing in the mirror alone in the bathroom, practiced being happy and normal again.  After all, it wouldn't do to worry her friends anymore; she had to prove that things were okay, that they could move on with their lives.

            And for herself, she would keep her darkest nightmares like a well-guarded treasure; she would hold onto them, cherishing them for herself, not letting go, even in her dreams. 

            "Jed, I don't know.  What if someone sees us? I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea."  Raye glanced around hastily, missing the blond woman who sat in one of the tables on the sidewalk in the corner, twirling the silky strands of her dark hair between her fingers, as she was wont to do when she felt nervous. She moved anxiously after the tall blond man who stood a few paces ahead of her. 

            "Hey," Jed said, his eyes twinkling with mirth.  He turned quickly, catching her up in his arms, causing her to let out a shout of feeble protest.  "Don't worry.  We're just out to get a quick bite to eat right?  It's a beautiful day out, so let's enjoy it, okay?"  His laugh was infectious, and she couldn't help but join in.  When she was with him, she could forget her problems.  

            They seated themselves at a nice cozy table, underneath an umbrella.  She looked up, sensing his blue eyes on her, and she smiled.  For now, she would forget how upset she had been that morning, when she had gotten into yet another argument with Darien.  He had come home so late the other night, claiming that he had been with Andrew.  But she knew there had to be more to it than that; she had a feeling that perhaps he had been seeing another woman, that girl he had been married to.  And with the uncontrollable feelings of jealousy, she had blown up, accusing him of such, calling him the most vile names, while he stood stock still, his pale face proof enough to confirm her suspicions.  She was so angry with him, not understanding him, not knowing what was going wrong at home. 

            But here, with Jed, she could forget all her worries, and enjoy her day for once, instead of fuming silently at home over Darien's actions or his inactions.  After ordering, they talked of little things, enjoying the good weather and the good food when it came.  But it was over all too soon for Raye, when Jed stood, moving over to her side to help her up.  When he was close to her like that, she forgot to breathe, as she lost herself in his beautiful blue eyes, the beautiful light blue free of worries and full of warmth and laughter.

            "I had a great time, Raye," he said softly.  "You'll let me take you out again, won't you?" he asked, hesitantly, almost afraid that she would say no, though in her large beautiful eyes, he could read her true answer. 

            "I don't know."  She pulled away from him, staring at the floor.  She didn't want to give him the wrong idea, after all.  Despite all their problems, she was still with Darien.  And she still loved him, no matter what.  After all, they had been through too much for it to be otherwise. 

            "That's okay, Raye," Jed said, interrupting her thoughts.  "I'll keep in touch, okay?"  She looked up to see him looking down at her sadly.  She shouldn't have come at all, leading him on like this when she knew that she could never be with him.  She berated herself mentally, not noticing as Jed put his arms around her, holding her close to his chest.  

            "You should go," she said blushing slightly.  Jed just smiled back at her knowingly.

            "Goodbye, Raye," he said, smiling again, touching her cheek gently.  "Don't you worry now," he added with a small chuckle, "I'll be around."

            She stood still, underneath the wide umbrella, as he moved out into the sidewalk, watching as he whistled and moved jauntily down the street.  She sighed again, now feeling drained again, as she too began to make her way out.  But just before she made it out, she noticed a blond woman seated nearby, and she gasped in recognition, her face clouding momentarily in anger.   

            Serena, lost in her own thoughts as she continued to play with the straw in her drink, abruptly awoke from her reverie when she felt a shadow fall over her, unmoving for a time.  When she looked up, her heart began to beat erratically, startled by the woman who towered over her, animosity evident in the violet eyes, sun shining brilliantly behind her like armor, almost blinding her.

            "Excuse me," the raven-haired woman said succinctly, her face emotionless.  "You're Serena, right?" 

            Serena opened her mouth to speak, embarrassment flooding through her when the words would not form on her cracked lips.  She nodded hastily.

            "Do you mind if I sit down?"  Serena nodded again, awed by the sufficient almost business-like manner Raye was able to command at will.  She cringed inwardly, suddenly hit with all the reasons why Darien, or any other man, would want such a woman.   

            "I don't know if you remember me," Raye began, extending her hand mechanically after she had seated herself comfortably.  "We were never really properly introduced after all."

            "You're Raye," Serena suddenly said, her voice suddenly finding itself.  How could she _not_ know this woman?  Never introduced?  It did not matter whether they were introduced or not.  This was a woman Serena knew all too well, a woman she felt intimidated by; a woman who possessed the heart of the man she loved.  Serena tried to calm the frantic rush of blood, the sudden decrease of air around her, as she quietly gripped her glass. 

            "Right," Raye said. Her violet eyes bore into the blond before her.  She wondered how Darien could have ever married another woman in the short time she had been missing; sometimes when she was alone with her thoughts, she felt the jealousy eat away at her soul.  But on close inspection, Raye wondered how this girl could even attract Darien, let alone any other man; this Serena looked almost ill, her face a chalky white, her cheeks gaunt, dark circles beneath the sunken dull eyes.  

            "Listen, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I couldn't help but notice that you've been sitting there for a while."  Serena shrank from the scrutinizing look Raye directed at her relentlessly.  "Well, I'm sure you noticed me too," Raye continued glancing back at the table she and Jed had shared.  "And I just want to make sure that you don't get any wrong ideas."  Prompted by Serena's look of confusion, she added, "He is just a friend, and we've just had lunch."

            Serena could not help but wonder where this conversation was going.  What was Raye talking about?  Her brows drew together in confusion as she stared at her hands wrapped around her cold drink.

            Raye in return, stared across the table at Serena.  When she didn't reply, Raye spoke again.  "Look, I don't know what's going on between you and Darien --"

            Here, Serena's head shot up, her eyes wide at the mention of his name.  Raye grimaced slightly, the proof against Darien growing; it seemed likely that Darien was indeed secretly seeing Serena again.   

            "But," Raye said firmly, "Darien loves me," she said, challenging Serena with her flashing eyes.

            Shocked at first, Serena couldn't help but gawk at the beautiful woman sitting across from her.  The entire situation seemed so surreal.  Raye almost seemed threatened; but that was utterly ridiculous.  But suddenly, she dropped her gaze, her head drooping slightly towards her chest, as the meaning of her words dripped dully into her brain.

            "I know."  The words were quiet, resigned.  She reached for her glass, suddenly feeling parched.

            "And," Raye added, her tone of voice rising slightly, "I love Darien."      

            Again silence as the glass stopped halfway to her dry lips.  Then, "I know," another mechanical reply.  She drank deeply from her glass.

            The silence, the tension was too much, and after a moment, Raye continued.  "I don't know what's going on with you and him," she said with quiet anger now, hating that sudden feeling of insecurity.  "But you have to know, that you can't do anything. We're together now.  We were –we were meant for each other, and --" she faltered here, suddenly wondering what she was doing, sitting here with Serena, trying to justify, or maybe prove that –

            "Look, it doesn't matter," Raye said abruptly, frustrated and shaking her head to clear her thoughts.  "I just want you to stay away from _my_ husband. I mean, we're having some slight problems but he doesn't need your help or anything."

            Serena stared in wonder, unable to take her eyes of the woman seated across from her.  The area around them was deserted, leaving the two of them to a private discussion.  In the silence, it was difficult for her to grasp the situation.  She didn't know what was going on, and she couldn't even comprehend the reason for this conversation.  But now she could see something in Raye's eyes, something hurting behind the stormy violet.  "Raye," Serena suddenly said, quietly, worry marring her features.  "Is everything alright?"  She just couldn't help but ask, feeling the concern bubble up inside of her. 

            Normally, Raye would have grown angry, blowing up and bawling out whosoever would dare to tread into personal matters.  But there was something sincere, something sweet and caring behind the simple words, that suddenly, she felt tears choking at the back of her throat.  All her fears, insecurities, all her warring emotions, her feelings for Darien and her friendship with Jed could not hold up any longer, and they came crashing violently down around her, though she had fought so hard to keep everything under control to this point. When she felt that no one cared, when she felt that she couldn't talk to anyone about these problems, here her so-called rival now inquired after her.  Struggling, struggling so very hard to keep her face hard and cold, she clenched her fists.  But the tears rebelled against her, and they fell steadily down her cheeks to her own horror.

            And then suddenly, the blond girl she had purposely set out to hurt, to destroy, the girl she barely knew was kneeling at her side, hugging her, holding her.  This was just too much, too much when she had expected so little, and she cried without any inhibitions.  The blond girl held her with care, never saying a word, but simply holding her, letting her cry, letting her empty all her anger and fears through her salty bitter tears. She clung to the warmth of her, until slowly the sobs slowly ceased, until she felt somehow better from her breakdown, no matter how embarrassing it had been to rely on a complete stranger. 

           She pulled back, to see the wet eyes of the other girl, the sun catching the sparkling teardrops in the brightest blue eyes she had ever seen, so full of sadness.  She looked away, suddenly ashamed.  "I'm sorry," she said, her voice a little hoarse.  "I'm afraid I don't know what came over me.  It's just that – I mean…"

            "It's okay," Serena said, putting her hand encouragingly on Raye's shoulder, causing the other girl to look up suddenly, her face filled with doubt.  "Sometimes, we all need to let it all out, right?"  She smiled, her dry lips protesting as they pulled and cracked slightly.  The smile suddenly left as quickly as it had come, as her face sobered with her thoughts.  "Look, Raye.  I want you to believe me, okay?  I don't know what you're thinking, but –there's nothing going on between me and Darien."

            Raye didn't answer, and only nodded, though only half-heartedly, now feeling foolish altogether for even suspecting anything, for being jealous when there had been nothing going on in the first place.

            "Raye," Serena said again.  She closed her eyes, breathing in deeply, the hurt and despair rising from her chest again, making her feel a pain she had wanted to ease away, to let wither and slowly die.  But she had to make her see.  "He doesn't love me, Raye."

            Raye looked up abruptly, her eyes suddenly filled with interest again.  

            In fact," Serena said, responding to the silence.  She laughed as she paused slightly, a strange laugh, Raye thought to herself.  "He never loved me at all!  Seriously," she added as she regarded Raye delicately, smiling with assurance.  "The whole time I was married to him –he was always thinking about you.  He never stopped thinking about you, for that entire time. And…well, he never stopped loving you."

            Raye stared at Serena, as though trying to discern the truth from her, and her brows furrowed in thought.  Darien never loved Serena?  But –

            "Serena," Raye said suddenly, her eyes narrowing slightly.  "But you loved him, didn't you?"

            Serena sighed deeply, her chest heaving painfully in her chest.  She closed her eyes slowly.  "No, Raye," she said, her voice strangely calm and emotionless.  "I never loved him."  No, she never could love him --because she had to love herself before she could truly love anyone.  Isn't that what she had told Darien himself?  What was her love worth anyway?  Her feelings for Darien felt real enough, but it couldn't be worth a thing, if no one cared.

            Raye nodded carefully at Serena's spoken words.  She stood slowly from her seat.  "Look," she said hesitantly.  "I'm really sorry –about everything," she said stiffly.  She smiled as best she could, trying to make Serena understand.  "You'll forgive me?"

            Apparently, she did, because Serena smiled back, though it was a sad smile.  "It's okay," she said, her words ringing true.  "Let's just forget it, okay?"

            Raye nodded again, smiling shyly back.  "Thank you, Serena.  I didn't mean to bother you.  But," she stopped, staring at the floor, thinking carefully.  "But I'm glad that we had a chance to talk.  You know, you –you're a very nice person."  Serena didn't react to the compliment, merely staring down at her shoes.

            Raye moved away from her, finally finding her way out into the sidewalk.  She turned back with another smile, a real one, wide and genuine; she felt somehow relieved, happy again.  She would talk to Darien tonight, to work things out.  Through Serena, she felt a little bit of that hope return.  "I hope that you'll come and visit us?" she asked.

            Serena nodded and waved as she watched Raye walk down the street.  She sighed and fell dangerously back into her seat, the conversation having drained most of her energy.  Maybe before, she might have cried, sobbed, in fact, helplessly into her hands.  But now --now these days she just felt too worn and tired; she had nothing left inside of her to really let go of her pain.  Instead, she quietly closed her eyes, wishing that somehow she could stay here, in the warm cocoon of the sunlight.  

            In the silence that now settled comfortably around her, she smiled softly, almost knowingly, at the distant sound of the ocean waves on bleached white sand.


End file.
